I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
