u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
