Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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