Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
