bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I need to sanitize my soul.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
