Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
