Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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