But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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