Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Sext me about skeletons
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
