I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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