So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
