I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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