I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
