Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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