I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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