can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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