I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
