your parents love me but you hate me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
