I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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