Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
