I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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