how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
