Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
