I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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