you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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