i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
