the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
