She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
