I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
