Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
