I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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