You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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