Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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