at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
