She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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