why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
