i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
