They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
