it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
