Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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