They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
