Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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