i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
