Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
