I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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