they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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