dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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