I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
