Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
