The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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