my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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