Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
