When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Randomize
