im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
