if i died would you start the facebook group?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
