LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
