her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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