i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
